


Harry Potter and The Migraines of Book 7

by HealthDrink



Category: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies), Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Cursed Child - Thorne & Rowling
Genre: Always, And AVPM and Potter Puppet Pals if you have sharp eyes, Book 7: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Didn't like him since Book 4, Doesn't help Thorne wrote him as an idiot in the CC, Gen, Harry Potter - Freeform, Hermione being canonically black is the best outcome, Honestly that's when it should have happened, I don't like Ron, I suppose this is crack?, Multi, Newer jokes have been added, Ron will forever be better than Book!Snape though, Snape's ghost shows up in a certain scene because Alan Rickman, The Dobby Scene is a ref to Rupert Grint wanting Ron to have a heroic death, There are movie references of course, Wrote this back in Dec 2016, at least in the movies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-01
Updated: 2018-09-01
Packaged: 2019-06-26 07:18:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15658419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HealthDrink/pseuds/HealthDrink
Summary: Sometimes, it sucks being the hero. It sucks even more when your creator clearly hates you.HARRY POTTER SEVEN (BOOK VERSION) ABRIDGED SCRIPT - WRITTEN BY A JACKASSYE BE WARNED[Written in The Editing Room style]





	Harry Potter and The Migraines of Book 7

**HARRY POTTER BOOK SEVEN -** **ABRIDGED SCRIPT**

 

**INT. HOGWARTS SCHOOL INTERIOR**

HARRY POTTER  
_(steps foward)_  
OKAY EVERYONE. PROFESSOR DUMBLEDORE IS DEAD, VOLDEMORT IS BACK, AND  
WE NEED TO FIND AT LEAST FIVE MORE HORCRUXES BEFORE WE CAN STAND  
A CHANCE IN DEFEATING HIM. WHAT SHOULD BE OUR NEXT MOVE?  
RON WEASLEY  
_(gasps)_  
THERE ARE -FIVE- HORCRUXES??!  
HARRY POTTER  
_(sighs)_  
SORTING HAT  
AND ANOTHER ONE IS HIDDEN - IN PLAIN SIGHT!  
GENIUS WRITING, ABSOLUTE MASTERPIECE-  
HARRY POTTER  
IT'S ME, ISN'T IT?  
SORTING HAT  
**!!!** WHY YOU LITTLE SMARTASS I OUTTA-

**INT. SOMEWHERE IN THE WOODS**

HARRY POTTER  
SO. WE GOT A LIGHTER THAT TAKES AWAY LIGHT,  
A BOOK FULL OF EXPOSITION, A TALKING HAT THAT'S WAY OLDER  
THAN PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL'S FIRST KISS, THE VERY FIRST  
SNITCH I EVER CAUGHT AND A FAKE SWORD DECOR.  
THAT'S GREAT DUMBLECOOT, REAL USEFUL. ANY IDEAS?  
HERMIONE D. GRANGER  
HOW ABOUT WE VISIT GODRIC GRIFFINDOR'S PLACE? I'M MOTHER  
FUCKING HERMIONE GRANGER, IF THERE'S  
SOMEONE BETWEEN US THREE THAT KNOWS THAT  
PLACE EVEN EXISTS, IT'S ME. PLUS  
WE MIGHT FIND CLUES THERE THAT ARE RELATED TO  
THE DEADLY HALLOWS™ AND ALL.  
HARRY POTTER  
NO, THAT WOULD ACTUALLY SAVE US TIME.  
BAD HERMIONE. ROAMING ABOUT AIMLESSLY  
WHILST EVERYONE ELSE IS DYING IS WHAT  
WE MUST DO. TO THE NOW NAZI THEMED MINISTRY!  
RON WEASLEY  
_(gasps)_  
GODRIC GRYFFINDOR HAS A RESTING PLACE?!  
HERMIONE GRANGER  
_(sighs)_  
SERIOUSLY, HOW ARE - **YOU** \- MY ONLY OPTION?

**INT. MINISTRY OF MAGIC**

DOLORES UMBRIGDE  
MWA HA HA HA HA, I'M EVIL!  
HERMIONE GRANGER  
GO FUCK YOURSELF UMBRIDGE. ALSO-  
_(clears throat)_  
NEEEEEEEIIIIIIGGGHHHH!! _(clopping noises)_  
DOLORES OWNED-BRIDGE  
AAAAAH, STAY AWAY FROM MEEE!!  
*drops Horcrux*  
_(LoZ secret sound effect activates)_  
HERMIONE GRANGER  
WELL THAT WAS EASY.  
HARRY POTTER  
AND CONVENIENT TOO!  
RON WEASLEY  
_(chews on wasted wood pulp)_

**INT. SURPRISINGLY NORMAL WOODS**

HARRY POTTER  
LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT PROFS. THE SWORD  
THAT WAS HANGING IN DUMBLEDORE'S OFFICE  
THIS - WHOLE TIME - CAN DESTROY HORCUXES.  
HERMIONE GRANGER  
YES.  
HARRY POTTER  
WE NEED TO DESTROY SIX ERR FIVE HORCRUXES BEFORE  
VOLDEMORT FINALLY SHOWS UP - EVEN THOUGH  
HE CONQUERED ALL OF THE WIZARDING WORLD ALREADY.  
HERMIONE GRANGER  
PRETTY MUCH.  
HARRY POTTER  
SO IF THE ONE WE ACTUALLY GOT IS FAKE, THAT MEANS  
THE REAL ONE IS... HIDDEN SOMEWHERE ELSE?  
HERMIONE GRANGER  
YEP.  
HARRY POTTER  
FFFFFFFF-  
HERMOINE GRANGER  
AND YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHERE THE REAL ONE IS.  
HARRY POTTER  
FFFFFFFF- _(pause)_  
ENLIGHTEN ME.

 

**INT. GRINGOTTS BANK**

HER-MINON-E GRANGER  
AND IT'S GUARDED BY A DRAGON.  
NORBETA SR.  
*roars*  
HARRY POTTER  
_FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!-_

 

 **INT. MAGICAL TENT OF** **PROCRASTINATION**

HERMIONE GRANGER  
WAIT, NO, THAT'S ACTUALLY INTERESTING.  
IT'S AT THE BOTTOM OF A LAKE. AND YOU HAVE TO  
GO LOOK FOR IT AFTER YOU CHASE A SILVER DOE. THAT'S  
POSSIBLY YOUR MUM OR YOUR EX BULLY/TEACHER. ONE OF THEM.  
LADY IN THE LAKE  
_(blurp)_  
HERMIONE GRANGER  
_(aside)_  
AT LEAST THE MONSTER INSIDE YOU DOESN'T EXIST ANYMORE.  
HARRY POTTER  
WAIT, WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME? WHY CAN'T RON- A FULL BLOODED  
WIZARD BTW- THE DUDE WHO GREW UP IN THIS WORLD DO THAT?  
HE'S THE ONE WHINING TO BECOME AN HERO ALL THE TIME!  
RON WEASLEY  
I'M SICK AND TIRED OF THIS TENT! I'M GOING BACK HOME!  
HERMIONE GRANGER  
GREAT, NOW MOLLY WILL HAVE TWO GHOULS TO TAKE CARE OF.  
RON WEASLEY  
BUT I'M RIGHT- HEY!!!  
HARRY POTTER  
WAIT A SEC, WHEN DID YOU SUDDENLY GROW A BRAIN? YES, WE ARE  
UTTERLY LOST BUT THAT'S ROWL- _DUMBLEDORE'S_ FAULT FOR  
NOT LEAVING A CONCRETE PLAN FOR US TO FOLLOW AFTER HIS DEATH!  
RON WEASLEY  
CAUSE I'M REPRESENTING THE READER'S WANT TO JUST  
PROGRESS THE PLOT TO THE MAIN PARTS ALREADY! IT'S  
BEEN ALMOST 200 PAGES AND WE'RE STUCK AT HORCRUX #1!  
HERMOINE GRANGER  
RON, I'M GONNA TEACH YOU A SPELL THAT'LL SOLVE THAT. IT'S  
CALLED 'FLIPPING THE PAGES'. WHY DON'T YOU TRY THAT?  
RON WEASLEY  
OH. _(pause)_  
OKAY, BUT I'M STILL LEAVING, 'CAUSE **YOU'RE**  THE DUMB ONES!  _(leaves)_  
HARRY POTTER  
_(whispers)_  
Oh no. Not you Ron. Come back. We need you. Come back.

**INT. LOONEY LOVEGOOD'S HOME**

RON WEASLEY  
WAIT, ARE WE SKIPPING THE PART WHERE I ACTUALLY DO  
SOMETHING OTHER THAN SCREECH AND WHINE ALOT?  
HARRY POTTER  
YOU DESTROYED A HORCRUX WHILST CRYING YOUR ASS OFF  
AT THE POSSIBILITY THAT YOUR CRUSH MIGHT NOT LIKE  
YOU AFTER ALL. WHAT YOU ACCOMPLISHED WAS PROBABLY AN ACCIDENT.  
RON WEASLEY  
SO I'M BACK NOW?  
HARRY POTTER  
MUST YOU?  
HERMIONE GRANGER  
_(clears throat, Jedi wand waves)_  
MR. LOVEGOOD. WOULD YOU KINDLY TELL US ABOUT THE HORCRUX-  
XENO LOVEGROOVE OH BEHAVE  
HAAAVE YOU HEARD OF THE DEATHLY HALLOWS™? LET ME SHOW YOU!! :D  
HARRY POTTER  
OH GOD, NOT A CLIP SHOW! WHY CAN'T VOLDEMORT JUST SHOW UP RIGHT- **  
**

  **INT. MALFOR MANOR**

HARRY POTTER  
-NOW? SHIT!  
LUNA LOVEGOOD  
HI EVERYBODY!  
_(standing ovation)_  
BELLATRIX LESTRANGE  
APPARENTLY I'M EITHER 9 MONTHS PREGNANT RIGHT NOW OR I'VE  
ALREADY FARTED OUT DELPHI EBONYSOMETHING AWHILE AGO. OH WELL,  
OFF TO TORTURE THIS FILTHY LITTLE MUD-BLOOD! THIS WILL  
HAVE NO UNFORTUNATE IMPLICATIONS WHATSO-EVER~~  
HERMIONE GRANGER  
AND I'LL NOT SUFFER PTSD EITHER IN THE EPILOGUE OR IN  
THE CURSED CHILD STORY-LINE! BECAUSE ONLY BOYS HAVE THAT!

  **INT. DUNGEON CHAMBER**

 _(pause)_  *Hermione screams in the background*  
BELLATRIX LESTRANGE  
_(sings)_ AGAIN, AGAIN, OVER AND OVERRRRR~~~  
HARRY POTTER  
WELL, SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK, THANKS LESTRANGE.  
SO... _(pause)_ WHAT NOW?  
BELLATRIX LESTRANGE  
_(yells)_  
THIS VITCH TORTURED! *whip cracks horridly echo in succession* VEET!  
SURPRISE DOBBY  
NO! DOBBY WILL NOT TOLERATE THIS BULLSHIT PADDING ANYMORE!  
_(apparates everyone plot relevant)_  
RON WEASLEY  
HELLO? CAN YOU HEAR ME?  
DOBBY  
_(sighs)_  
_(takes Ron with him)_  
BELLATRIX LESTRANGE  
PYCHE! DAGGER OUT OF NOWHERE!  
DOBBY  
URK! *is stabbed*  
RONALD HOWLER WEASLEY  
JUST FYI, THAT'S NOT MY FAULT.

**INT. SANDY BEACH**

DOBBY **  
** FAREWELL, HARRY POTTER! _(dies)_  
HARRY POTTER  
NO! ANYONE BUT DOBBY! HE MIGHT ACTUALLY HAVE HAD A CLUE  
WHAT TO DO NEXT! _(sobs)_  
RON WEASLEY  
AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO FEELS THAT - **I** \- SHOULD HAVE DIED HERE?  
LUNA LOVEGOOD  
_(stares at audience)_  
NO, YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE.

  
**INT. BEACH HOUSE SAVE YOUR PROGRESS? Y/N**

FLEUR WEASLEY  
_(thick French accent)_  
Pardon moi daiyairees, I'm too bus-aye enjoyeng mon 'oneymoon  
wiv mon lit-téll pancak ovair zeré to care abut ze war  
goeng on reyt now! Please do mak yursélves comfairtabuhl,  
I'm Francais, hawwwwah! *butterflies everywhere*  
HARRY POTTER  
MAN, I WISH GINNY WAS HERE TO TIE MY SHOES AGAIN. MM.  
_(pause)_  
WHAT'CHA ALL STARING AT? DID I SAY SOMETHING?  
HERMIONE GRANGER  
_(shakes head)_  
OKAY, BELLATRIX SAID SOMETHING ABOUT GODRIC'S SWORD BEING  
IN HER FAMILY VAULT, EVEN THOUGH THAT MAKES NO SENSE.  
APPARENTLY DRACO AND PETER PETTIGREW WHERE THERE TOO?  
HARRY POTTER  
YEAH. BUT ONE'S DEAD, THE OTHER HAS PLOT ARMOUR.  
NOW ALL OF DRACO'S WANDS ARE BELONG TO ME, SO DOES THE ELDER WAND!  
HERMIONE GRANGER  
ELDER WHAT NOW?  
JOHN H. OLLIVANDER  
OOOOOH THE ELDER WAND IS-  
HARRY POTTER  
THERE'S NO TIME TO EXPLAIN, ON TO GRINGOTTS!  
BILLY WEASLEY  
I CAN HEL-  
HEROINE GRANGER  
WAIT, LET'S REST A BIT, ALL OF THAT TORTURE MADE ME  
TIRED. PLUS I NEED TO PREPARE MY BELLATRIX DO.  
EVERYONE  
K BOSS.  
RON WEASLEY  
RECHARGE TIME! _(wolfs down baguettes)_

  **INT. ACTUAL GRINGROTTS VAULTS**

HARRY POTTER  
FINALLY! WE'RE GONNA HAVE ONE HELL OF A SHOWDOWN!  
_(sees blind dragon, bullshit anti theft system)_  
HERMIONE GRANGER  
AND WE LOSE THE ACTUAL SWORD BUT THAT'S OKAY- WE CAN  
GET IT OUT OF THE SORTING HAT WHENEVER WE WISH.  
HARRY POTTER  
WHAT.  
RON WEASLEY  
WHAT?  
SORTING HAT  
WHOOPS? MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU THAT?  
HERMIONE GRANGER  
*reads Hat's tag* AND ONLY A TRUE GRYFFINDOR CAN DO THAT!  
HARRY POTTER  
.....  
RON WEASLEY  
HARRY? ARE YOU OKA-  
HARRY POTTER  
_(yells)_  
_FUCKING DUMBLEDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-_ **  
**

  
**INT. SMELLY BAR BACKROOM**

HARRY POTTER  
- _OOOOOOOR_ -oh? _Oh!_ HOW DID WE END UP HERE?  
HERMIONE GRANGER  
BEATS ME.  
ABERFORTH DUMBLEDORE  
PLOT CONVIENENCE.  
_(points)_ THERE'S THE BACKDOOR FOR HOGWARTS.  
HARRY POTTER  
OKAY! THANK YOU-  
ABERFORTH DUMBLEDORE  
I FUCKED A GOAT ONCE.  
HARRY POTTER  
-SIR? *runs off*

  **INT. HOGWARTS NO REALLY**

NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM  
HEY HARRY!  
_(standing ovation)_  
WHILST YOU AND THE OTHERS HAD YOUR ADVENTURES,  
ME, GINNY AND LUNA WERE DOING OUR  
OWN COOL STUFF! I EVEN USED THE ROOM OF REQUIREMENT  
AS OUR SECRET HIDEOUT FOR ANTI DEATH EATER TRAINING!  
HARRY POTTER  
*whistles* COOL. WHERE'S THE HORCRUX?  
SIR DASHING LONGBOTTOM  
NEAR RAVENCLAW HQ. ASK THE GHOST LADY, SHE KNOWS.  
MIND YOU DON'T TRIP OVER THOSE DEATH EATERS  
WE'VE BEEN SLAYING SINCE THE BEGINNING OF  
SEMESTER OKAY? WE'RE SUPER BUSY SPRING CLEANING ATM.  
HERMIONE GRANGER  
_(swoons)_  
HARRY POTTER  
HANG ON A SEC, DIDN'T YOU LIKE RON?  
HERMIONE GRANGER  
WHAT ABOUT RON?

**INT. LESTRANGE FAMILY VAULT**

RON WEASLEY  
HEWWO? GUYS? HELLO? IS ANYONE THERE?  
THERE'S A DRAGON WITH A BLUE BADGE HERE... SOMEBODY?  
_(dead silence)_  
**FINE.** _(shakes wand)_ ACCIO EMERGENCY FOOD!

  
**INT. RELEVANT LAND AKA HOGWARTS**

HARRY POTTER  
_(steps over low HP Death Suckers)_  
WE'RE HERE. OKAY LUNA, WHAT'S THE PASSWORD?  
LUNA LOVEGOOD  
OH, WE DON'T HAVE ONE. WE ENTER OUR ROOMS WITH  
A RIDDLE. IT SUCKS WHEN YOU HAVE YOUR HEAD FULL  
OF BUTTERBEER THOUGH. YOU END UP STUCK OUTSIDE.  
HARRY POTTER  
_(sighs)_  
YEAH, FINE. MA'AM, WHERE IS THE HORCRUX?  
GREY LADY  
MYYYYYY, IF IT ISN'T THE HAAAAANDSOME HARRY POTTER  
HIMSELF. MIIIIND IF I TELL YOU ABOUT MY BACKSTORY  
ABOUT HOOOW I MET THE BLOOOOODY BARON AND HOW I HATED  
MY MOTHER SOOO MUCH -WHO LIKE, WAS ROWENA RAVENCLAW BTW- AND  
HOW I WENT TO ALBANIA FOR A MAAASSIVE ROADTRIP AND HOW-  
HARRY POTTER  
MERLIN'S MANKINI, LADY I ASKED YOU FOR THE  
DIADEM'S LOCATION, NOT FOR THE LOST MANUSCRIPTS OF  
THE CANTEBURY TALES! NOW TELL ME - WHERE- IS - IT?!!!  
HELENA RAVENCLAW  
IT'S AT THE ROOM OF REQUIRE-  
HARRY POTTER  
*disapparates*  
HELENA RAVENCLAW  
_(whispers)_...I just wanted to be relevant is all.  
LUNA TOOGOODFORTHISWORLD  
THEN IT'S A GOOD THING YOU'RE ALREADY DEAD. :3

**INT. ROOM OF PLOT CONVENIENCE**

DRACO MALFOY  
SUP. COME WITH ME OR MY FAMILY DIES.  
HARRY POTTER  
NO.  
DRACO MALFOY  
K. *almost dies*  
CRABBE N GOLYE  
*actually die*  
DRACO MALFOY  
WAIT DID ONE OR THE OTHER DIE? THEY HAD SUCH  
DISTINCTIVE PERSONALITIES!  _(leaves)_

 

 

**-INTERMISSION-**

  
**THE BATTLE OF HOGWARTS™ ENSUES**  
**LOTS OF PEOPLE, INCLUDING LUPIN AND FRED, DIE IN BATTLE**  
**HARRY ONLY GIVES A SHIT ABOUT FRED, FOR SOME REASON**  
**PERCY SOMEHOW STILL LIVES, DOESN'T TURN OUT TO BE A PLANTED MOLE FOR THE ORDER**  
**CHARLIE IS STILL IN ROMANIA, DOESN'T BRING DRAGONS ON THE GOOD GUYS SIDE (DAMMIT)**  
**THAT ANNOYING KID WITH THE CAMERA FROM BOOK TWO ALSO DIES**  
**GINNY BAZOOKAS THE FUCK OUT OF ANY DOUCHE EATER IN HER WAY**  
**LAVENDER BROWN GETS BITTEN BY FENRIR, TO BE CONTINUED NEVER**  
**CHO CHANG IS STILL CRYING SOMEWHERE, POSSIBLY WITH M.M.**  
**DRAGONS VS DEMENTORS MONSTER FIGHT NEVER HAPPENS, DISAPPOINTMENT ENSUES**  
**MOLLY WEASLY SWEARS, KILLS BELLATRIX BY ACCIDENT**

  
**-END INTERMISSION-**

 

  
HARRY POTTER  
MUST BE A FAMILY THING.  
SEVERUS SNAPE  
INDEED, POTTER.  
_(standing ovation)_  
HONESTLY, IF IT WEREN'T FOR THEIR PLOT ARMOUR, ALL  
OF THE WEASLEY FAMILY WOULD HAVE KILLED EACH OTHER BY ACC-eeee-DENT BY NOW.  
HARRY POTTER  
*whistles*  
THAT'S BRUTAL SNAPE, EVEN FOR YOU.  
SEVERUS SNAPE  
_(flicks Vasco Rossi inspired hair)_  
TRUE. THEN, AGAIN, I'M ONLY A SEMI CUNT IN THE MOVIES, UN-LIKE HERE.  
MMRHM DO CHECK IF I'M YOUR REAL DAD OR NOT THROUGH MY MEMORIES  
OKAY? I'LL BEE OFF TO MY DEATH NNOW. SO. LOOOOOONG.  
_(leaves for inevitable doom)_  
HARRY POTTER  
WAIT WHAT? FUCKING HELL **NO** BETTER NOT BE-  
_(sees Snape's memories)_ Huh. IS THAT IT?  
SEVERUS SNAPE  
MMRHM MADE YOU LOOK. *dies*

**INT. HOGWARTS HALLWAY**

LORD VOLDEMORT  
_(whispers)_  
Harry Pott -- wait a sec, is this thing on?  
_(clears throat)_  
**POTTER!** COME TO ME IN ONE HOUR, OR ELSE  
ALL OF YOUR PRECIOUS FRIENDS WILL ALL DIE  
ONE BY ONE! MWA HA HA HA HA! HA HA! HAAAAA-  
HARRY POTTER  
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? NEVILLE'S STILL ALIV-  
LORD VOLDEMORT  
EVVV-RRREEEEY-ONNNNNNNNNNNEEE!  
HARRY POTTER  
OKAY OKAY. GEEZ, KEEP YOUR NOSE ON.

**INT. HOGWARTS BACKYARD**

HARRY POTTER  
I OPEN AT THE CLOSE.  
_(snitch opens up, metal riff plays)_  
HARRY POTTER  
SO. _(inhales deeply)_  
THIS IS IT THEN.  
GHOSTS OF HARRY'S FAMILY  
HARRY! IT IS US, YOUR MUM, YOUR JACKASS DAD,  
AND ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS WHO DIED IN ORDER TO GUIDE  
YOU TO THIS VERY MOMENT! WE'RE SO PROUD OF YOU  
SACRIFICING YOURSELF TO SAVE THE WORLD!  
REMUS LUPIN'S GHOST  
HELLO HARRY. THANKS FOR REMEMBERING US AFTER  
OUR DEATHS. THE LAST OF THE MARAUDERS. REALLY APPRECIATED THAT.  
_(scowl)_  
TONKS LUPIN'S GHOST  
AND MY DAD. AND MY FAMILY. AND ALL THE REST. SURE.  
MOURN FRED ONLY 'CAUSE DEAN THOMAS LIVES. THAT WILL COUNT.  
_(scowl)_  
WE'VE BOTH DECIDED YOU'RE NO LONGER TEDDY'S GODFATHER.  
HARRY POTTER  
WAIT, WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT THIS SACRIFICING MUMBO JUMBO?  
SNAPE'S GHOST  
YOU MUST, POTTER. NNOW, GO. FUFILL, YOUUUUUR.  
_(pause)_  
DESSSTINY.  
HARRY POTTER  
I MEAN OKAY IT MAKES BIBLICAL SENSE-  
FRED'S GHOST  
_(yells)_  
GO SACRIFICE YOURSELF IN THE NAME OF THE DEAD!  
HARRY POTTER  
B-BUT MY MUM AND DAD SACRIFICED THEMSELVES FOR ME TO LIV-  
LILY POTTER'S GHOST  
OH NO, WE'RE TOTALLES FINE WITH YOU GOING TO  
YOUR DEMISE DEARIE. SAY HELLO TO CEDRIC FOR US, HE  
SEEMED LIKE SUCH A SWEET KID. _(pause)_  
HE DIED IN YOUR STED, REMEMBER? LIKE **I** DID? _(nudges)_  
CEDRIC DIGORY'S GHOST  
PLEASE DON'T BRING ME UP. I'VE SEEN THE FUTURE.  
_(sparkles)_  
IT'S BAD. SO BAD. WHY OH WHY DIDN'T I STAY DEA-  
HARRY POTTER  
OH COME ON, THERE'S GOT TO BE ONE- JUST ONE! ONE GHOST  
WHO TELLS ME THAT THERE'S ANOTHER WAY FOR THIS  
TO GET RESOLVED WITHOUT GOING JESUS ON THE  
POOR READERS. MAYBE AN EPIC FIGHT OR SOMETHING.  
_(pause)_  
RIGHT?  
GHOSTS  
_(silence)_  
RON WEASLEY  
_(exits ice cream truck)_  
JUST GO ALREADY!!!  
HARRY POTTER  
WHOA! RON! FOR A SECOND I THOUGHT YOU WERE  
GOING TO SHOW UP AS A GHOST! WHY  
WOULD I GET - THAT - CRAAAZY IDEA?  
RON WEASLEY  
_(points angrily)_  
YOU LEFT ME AT GRINGOTTS!!!!  
HARRY POTTER  
WAIT. IF YOU'RE HERE NOW, THEN WHO DESTROYED  
THE HORCRUX AT THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS™?

  **INT. CHAMBER OF SECRETS™**

HERMIONE D[ANGER] GRANGER **  
**_(zaps away wizard guitar)_  
DECAPITATIIIIIOOOOOON!!!  
_(destroys horcrux)_  
AT LEAST I DIDN'T LEARN PARSLETOUGHE OUT  
OF FUCKING NOWHERE. HERMIONE. OUT. _(drops wand)_ \m/  
( _standing ovation)_  
HERMIONE D[ANGER] GRANGER  
Also Abra-ca- **BLACK** -ra I'm black ya'all and _there's nothing you can do about it_.

  **INT. AGONY BOOTH**

HARRY POTTER  
COME ON SIRIUS, YOU'RE AGAINST THIS RIGHT?  
SIRIUS BLACK'S GHOST  
WHY SHOULD I? I'M DEAD. HOW DOES THIS AFFECT ME?  
HARRY POTTER  
SIRIUSLY? OKAY FINE I'LL GO SACRIFICE MYSELF GEEZ _(dies)_  
SIRIUS BLACK'S GHOST  
*turns towards other ghosts*  
SEE WHAT I MEAN?  
_(actual quote)_  
IT'S AS EASY AS FALLING ASLEEP!  
AUDIENCE  
_(massive facepalm)_

**INT. KING'S CROSS STATION**

HARRY POTTER  
WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?  
ALBUS DUMBLEDORE  
PLOT CONVIENIENCE.  
HARRY POTTER  
WHA-  
ALBUS DUMBLEDORE  
DO WAKE UP, YOU'VE GOT A BUNCH OF  
PEOPLE TO SAVE, YADDA YADDA I'M GAY BYE. 

**INT. DEATH EATER PARADE**

HARRY POTTER  
-AAT?  
LORD VOLDEMORT  
AND I TOTALLY KILLED- WAIT,  
HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE?  
HARRY POTTER  
_(exasperated)_  
HOW THE FUCK SHOULD I KNOW TOM??  
LORD SPLATERMORT  
NOOOOOOOOO _(dies)_  
HARRY POTTER  
REALLY? THAT'S ALL IT TOOK?  
LUNA ~~LONGBOTTOM~~ SCAMANDER  
_(spits over Tom Riddle themed street jam)_  
IN A WAY. YOU CAN SAY THE WAY VOLDEMORT DIED  
IS TO SHOW HOW MANY DICTATORS' ATTEMPTS TO  
ESCAPE MORTALITY ARE FUTILE. IN THE END, TOM  
MARSPLAT RIDDLE OVER HERE BIT IT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.  
AND IN A MOST HUMILIATING FASHION TOO.  
_(pause)_  
YOU COULD ALSO SAY ROWLING SANG "DOBBY'S SOCK  
I'M OUT" WHILST WRITING THAT PART IN ORDER TO  
BECOME THE 24/7 Q &A SECTION OF POTTERMORE UNTIL BOOK 8  
WAS RELEASED WORLDWIDE.  
_(stares directley at audience)_  
AVAILABLE IN STORES NOW, POTTYHEADSS~  
HARRY POTTER  
B-BUT AT LEAST VOLDEMORT STAYS DEAD RI-  
SIR NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM  
HARRY! YOUR FUCKS TO GIVE HAVE REACHED A LEVEL  
SO LOW IT WAS ENOUGH TO DEFEAT VOLDEMORT!  
HARRY POTTER  
_(pause)_  
SO... IT WAS -NOT- THANKS TO THE POWER OF LOVE?  
SIR NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM  
NOPE, LEVEL ZERO FUCKS GIVEN. *high fives*  
NOW LET'S FEAST ON SNAKE SOUP - MADE BY  
YOURS TRULY!! I CALL DIBS!  
EVERYONE  
DIBS!!!  
SIR NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM  
EXCEPT YOU RON. YOU CAN GO EAT SOME SLUGS.  
RON WEASLEY  
FINE! I'LL GO EAT SOME _(elder swear)_ ICE CREAM THEN!  
GINEVRA POTTER  
SERIOUSLY, HOW ARE WE RELATED?

 **NINETEEN** **YEARS LATER**

**INT. KING'S CROSS STATION**

HARRY POTTER  
WOW. I GROW UP TO BECOME A TOTAL JACKASS.  
JAMES POTTER'S GHOST  
_(beaming)_  
LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON!  
ALBUS S. POTTER  
FFFFFFFFF-!!!!  
SCORPIUS MALFOY  
HELLO EVERYONE! I'M HERE TO STEAL YOUR SPOTLIGHT!  
ALL OF IT!!! MWA HAHAHAHAHA!!! #notallslytherins

**END**

 

**Author's Note:**

> Happy September 1st fellow Potterheads :D


End file.
